I Want to Be a Toddler

For the last two year’s around Father’s Day as sort of a “roast post”, I’ve stated that I would love to be a dad for a day. However, with Mother’s Day this Sunday, I did some deep thinking and realized I have it all wrong. I don’t want to be a dad, I want to be a toddler. I want some sort of weird Freaky Friday scenario to transpire between Olivia and I where my mind is transported into her three-old body. Yes, it’s probably problematic to give her three-old mind access to a 35-year old woman’s body and car keys. But as a three-year old I would  get to wear all the awesome rainbow and unicorn stuff, have someone bring me snacks on a plate, and even have the opportunity to take a nap if I please. Sigh. Toddlers be living that good life and here’s a few reasons why I want to be too.

  1. Reacting How We Really Feel: “Giving zero f***s” is a popular phrase and one that I use often, but the truth is I give a lot of f***s. About many things. I may give several Fs about a single issue, topic, conversation, incident, etc. Toddlers? This phrase was made for them. Toddlers are truly the only people in this world that give zero f***s, especially when it comes to how other people may feel. Don’t like the dinner that your mom just slaved over? Scream, rage, and maybe even drastically flip the plate over for the ultimate F YOU.  Toddlers scream for no reason if life isn’t going their way. They want something, they snatch it out of someone else’s hands and run into the other room. Biting, kicking, and pushing are all acceptable ways of getting what they want or just expressing general distaste for their current station in life. How freeing it must be to just say what you’re feeling or knock over someone else’s block tower just because you felt like it.
  2. 24/7 Butler Service: Hi, it’s me. Mommy. I’ll be your butler and private chef for the next 18 years of your life. Try as we may, making your toddler clean up their dish after meals or encouraging feeble attempts at making their beds doesn’t even entail a small fraction of what we do for our kids. Toddler’s are living in the lap of luxury and they don’t even know it, the bastards. Their food is cut according to whatever is geometrically pleasing to them that day; there are on-demand snacks and on-demand shows. No not THAT show, you peasant! This specific episode that I’ll only give you a single context clue and repeat over and over again while you desperately try to recall which one it is before things really go downhill. Toddlers don’t even have to wipe their own butts. And in exchange for this white-glove service, what do they have to do? Say please and thank you (once they’ve been prompted several times) and look cute.
  3. Sleep: Youth is wasted on the young and sleep is wasted on the toddlers. Do I really need to go into great detail here? Daily naps, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Waking up when your body tells you it’s time to wake up. The most comfortable bed known to mankind. Bribes if you don’t want to sleep. Do you know what I would do if someone offered me cookies to take a nap in the middle of the day? I would never let them leave my house, that’s what.
  4. Unflappable confidence: For toddlers that can dress themselves, everyday is like the Met Gala. Burgeoning independence fosters opinions about fashion, which then leads to outfits with an aggressive overuse of patterns that makes them look like a walking magic eye puzzle. Maybe it’s the superhero cape or maybe it’s just a certain je ne sais quoi, but they rock the shit out of their outfit and can’t help but garner compliments where ever they go. Me? Well, I can’t buy an article of clothing these days unless an Instagram influencer told me to and even then I’m left with that hollow feeling that it doesn’t look nearly as good on me as it does them. It’s the filters though, right?
  5. Timeouts: Timeouts feel like the most pointless punishment in the whole world. Yet, this is what I’ve chosen to do with my children although I am starting to consider lighting their most prized possessions on fire right in front of them, but figure that’s probably frowned upon in most parenting circles. How wonderful for toddlers that their only repercussion for living that YOLO/zero f*** lifestyle is to go sit on a comfy-ass step for three minutes in silence. You know what I would give to sit by myself in silence for three minutes? Well, on some days, I might be willing to offer up an obstinate three-year old…
  6. Excuses for Bad Behavior: When you’re a toddler, there are lots of reasons why you act the way you act: didn’t sleep well, you’re hangry, it’s the age (see: 3 year-olds and why Dante should included raising one as one of the circles of hell in his Inferno). Everyone gives toddlers the benefit of the doubt. But when you’re an adult, you’re just an asshole. You may be hangry, you may be tired, and it may be the age, but people aren’t going to take your bull, Karen. They’re just not.

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