The Anti-Holiday Guide

Last Christmas was quite the eye-opener for me. After carefully selecting each gift based upon my children’s preferences, personalities, and Christmas list I felt pretty confident going into December 25th. According to my spreadsheet, I had totally nailed this holiday and the kids were going to freak the F out. I pictured happy little faces gasping in delight as the wrapping paper gave way to reveal toys that would entertain them for the year to come. Apparently I was high on the Christmas spirit because what transpired was the total opposite.

Olivia, 2, only had eyes (and stomach) for the candy cane in her stocking that was filled with M&Ms. With this in her chubby little hands, nothing else mattered. Literally we had to force her to open up all of her gifts hours later and there was zero reaction to what was inside. Instead, she was content to troll for loose M&Ms that fell onto the floor and try to steal AJR’s when he wasn’t looking.

AJR, who only had eyes for LEGOs, picked up each package and shook it as hard as he could to see if it had the tell-tale sign of rattling LEGOs. Those that didn’t were cast aside brutally. After picking up two gifts without opening them because they were not LEGOs, you could see this wild desperation in his eyes as he began to panic. Did Santa not get his list?? Where were the LEGOs, clown?? Of course we gave him LEGOs. What sort of sick monsters do you think we are? Finally he found a package that rattled appropriate and his physically relaxed as he opened it up to reveal some police-themed LEGO. He asked to build it right away and honestly we should have only gotten him LEGOs because nothing else mattered at that point.

Making their requests to the Big Guy himself.

I felt defeated. I get that each gift isn’t going to be a homerun, but man, this was a tough crowd. With 2017 in the back of my mind I am approaching this holiday season in a completely different way. I am going to minimize going rogue. Last year we ended up spending money on a lot of crap that eventually got use but only because I forced them to. That said, I simply cannot fulfill every item on their Christmas list. One, because the list is exhaustive. Trying watching one television show with my kids. You’ll notice a disturbing trend where they simply must have anything they see on every commercial. And two, because I really need to think about myself and the ramifications that their wishes have on me personally. Yes, I am telling you as parents that when your child hands you their Christmas list there is only one person that you should take into consideration: YOURSELF.

Am I Grinch? No, I love Christmas! I love making it as awesome as possible for my kids because that makes me enjoy it even more. We all live for the moment when your kid opens up a gift and the expression on their face is pure joy and you’re giving an excited fist pump and high-fiving your husband. I still remember my little sister’s reaction on her 10th birthday when she was gifted this elaborate Cinderella castle and she screamed “OH MY GOD! IT’S THE CINDERELLA CASTLE!” with the same vigor that the cast of Step Brothers says it’s the F’ing Catalina Wine Mixer. She shrieked and totally lost her shit in the most delightful of ways.

But magical moments aside, I have my own personal anti-gift guide that allows me to keep my sanity. And honestly, isn’t that the greatest gift for everyone in our family?  So while I’m telling my kids enthusiastically “Ask Santa for it!” I am actually thinking there is no way in hell I am ever letting that particular toy set foot in our house.

So here it is. The Mean Old Mommy List of Things My Kids Want But Have ZERO Chance of Receiving This Christmas:

  1. YELLIES
    1. What sort of sick bastard of person decided to unleash Yellies into the world? This is a toy that only moves when your child YELLs, hence the name Yellies.  Has the person that invented this ever spent any time in the presence of a child? We are in a constant state of LOUD NOISES. I am trying my best to encourage my 5-year old to speak in a normal tone of voice 99% of the time because ya’ll, voice immodulation is real. Why would I want to bring something into my home that totally unravels all of my attempts to the contrary? Not to mention the insane amounts of batteries I”m going to run through because those Yellies are going to Usain Bolt around the house for all their waking hours due increased volume levels.
  2. ANYTHING PAW PATROL
    1. We haven’t watched an episode of Paw Patrol in at least six months but by Golly, as soon as Olivia saw the 3 foot Paw Patrol lookout tower in the toy catalogue, she was circling it in a frenzy. NO NO NO. AJR saw it too and his eyes bugged out of his head. I refuse to bring Paw Patrol back into this house. Don’t you put that evil on me, Target catalogue.
  3. The Hot Wheels Super Ultimate Garage
    1. We are already proud owners of the Hot Wheels Ultimate Garage. But clearly my son is going to grow up with deep-rooted psychological issues because I didn’t spring for the SUPER Ultimate Garage. I mean, it has a GORILLA! This isn’t making the cut for several reasons 1. We have the exact same thing and you NEVER play with it 2. I am desperately trying to minimize the toys in our house that have an enormous footprint. Except for the dollhouse I got for Olivia on a crazy good sale…shhh…
  4. BeyBlades
    1. AJR is like Brick Tamland from Anchorman with Beyblades. Do you really want BeyBlades or are you just saying you want BeyBlades because you saw it? I’m calling BS on this newfound Beyblade love and saving some money and space in the playroom.
  5. Unicorn Poopsie
    1. This is supposed to be one of THE hottest toys this holiday season but I ain’t buying it. Normally I am a huge proponent of poop because well, poop is just funny and I have an immature sense of humor as I will usually find a way to steer a conversation back to poop and farts. Don’t judge me, okay? A few gripes with this toy: 1. These Unicorns look so sassy with their crop tops and false eyelashes. I’m not sure this cheeky unicorn is really a good role model for my too-much-attitude already threenager. 2. It’s $50, which isn’t cheap for something she saw on a whim and happened to be a unicorn which she loves 3. It’s slime. The unicorn just craps out slime. Slime is annoying in its own right, even though I respect it for its ability to entertain my kids, but I’d rather just buy a $2 bottle of Elmer’s and DIY it.
  6. Things That I Don’t Understand What They Are But Seem Annoying:
    1. LOL Dolls: What are these? Random doll parts? Clothes? Miniatures? Why does everything have to be clouded in so much secrecy? I don’t want surprises when buying my kids toys. I need to know what I’m up against.
    1. Pikmi Pops Giant Pikmi Flips: I literally had to sit and watch a short 15 second clip on YouTube to understand what this thing was. Essentially, it’s the Popples from our youth. Yes, it’s sleeker and much cuter than what we had, but it’s a direct ripoff of Popples. This angered me and sometimes when coffee won’t do, I like to fuel myself on irrational rage over things that don’t really matter. Pikmi Pops Giant Flips do just that. Plus, we have more than enough stuffed animals in this house.

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