Part II: I Want To Be a Dad

It’s been two years since I posted the original “I Want to Be a Dad” post in honor of Father’s Day. In the last two years our kids have grown and so have the reasons why I am jealous of my husband and dads everywhere.

They even pose in pictures more readily for him.

Obligatory caveat & schmoopy warning so I don’t look like a terrible, heartless wife for writing this post (again):

*Nothing changes the trajectory of a marriage the way that having children does. Your sleep decreases, your time for each other decreases, and your stress level increases as you raise these helpless little people you created. There are good days. There are bad days. There are days when you’re so deep in the trenches that you’re talking to each other in short, logistical sentences before passing out at bedtime. With all that, I can honestly say that my love for him grows when I watch him in all his Dad glory. He is the most selfless person I know. I do not envy having to work a 10-hour day at a grueling job for the sole benefit of giving us a great life to come home and only get to spend 15 minutes with the kids before bed, and then going outside to mow the lawn. So Happy Father’s Day to the best baby daddy a baby mama could possibly ask for *

Okay, now you can stop gagging. Without further adieu, here’s an updated list of reasons why I want to be a dad.

  1. Dad Bod is bringing sexy back. The lack of a six-pack is applauded and celebrated in our culture. Middle-aged men with a little salt and pepper in their hair, a soft midsection, and a baby in the crook of their arm can liquify a woman on the spot. And don’t even get me started on a dad with a baby in a baby carrier. I CAN’T HANDLE IT! I don’t even know you and I want to have your babies. Dads don’t have to be ripped – they’re too busy Dading. A Mom Bod movement? Eh, not so much. Sure, there are celebrities doing us regular moms a solid and posting their postpartum bellies to show what having a baby looks like…yet there they are a few weeks later getting a slow clap for walking the red carpet in a designer size 2. It’s really not fair. Can we pledge to make saggy boobs sexy in 2018? Please?

    Their matching grins make my heart burst

  2. Sleeping In: To be fair sleeping in as a parent is an absolute myth. Children speak at a decibel that ensures no one in the house can rest once they’re awake. However, when Joe gets to sleep in it’s fairly quiet. The kids are content to have me around. But the one day a week I get to sleep in past 6am all I hear is “I WANT MY MOOOMMMMYYY” when Joe walks into their bedrooms. There’s a five-minute meltdown from one or both of the kids that I had the audacity to sleep in and not hand them their frozen waffles.  Then there’s the 30 minutes of silence where sometimes I can fall back asleep but inevitably am roused by the pitter patter of kids running upstairs trying to break into the bedroom while Joe runs after them loudly whispering “LET MOMMY SLEEP!” It’s peaceful, really.
  3. Listening: My kids don’t listen to me. At all. Sometimes I play games where I just say crazy shit to see if they’re listening (“Bark twice if your’e in Milwaukee!”). Listen, if you stayed at home for 12 hours a day with two kids you would have to do something to keep yourself from going crazy so don’t judge. From a disciplinary standpoint this is particularly frustrating. After hearing me gently correct, reprimand, and eventually yell at them all day every day they’ve gotten to the point where they tune me out. But not Dad. When Dad brings down the hammer of justice, both kids stop dead in their tracks and listen. He means business. Meanwhile pan to me in the corner ripping the hair out of my head because of course they listen to him that easily.
  4. The Power of Invisibility: Dads have the ability to hide in plain sight of their children. My children have literally walked past my husband and  gone all the way upstairs to where I was putting away laundry to ask me to get them a snack. They are oblivious to the fact that they bypassed a capable adult who could have provided them with Goldfish at significantly less effort. This happens ALL THE TIME. They may not listen to me but they have decided that I am the only one that can wipe a butt, get a snack, get them water, put on a show, etc. and will go to the ends of the earth to find me rather than ask the guy sitting on the couch next to them.
  5. Fun Parent: Why do Dads get to have all the fun? Probably because their power of invisibility means they have so much extra energy and patience to play since they haven’t been waiting on their kids hand and foot all day. Dads have all the energy for tickling, building block towers, playing outside in the yard, and generally being silly and eliciting some of the best belly laughs a kid can laugh. Moms also are the ones that have to be all responsible and shut down the fun. Like when Dads think that five minutes before bedtime is the best time to stage their own version of Wrestle Mania. No. I ain’t having it. Mama is ready to punch out and go tend to the three baskets of laundry that have been sitting all wrinkled for the past four days. Lights off! So not only am I weak in the fun department, I also suck all the joy from their lives dementor-style.
  6. Pictures: To be fair, I have a decent amount of pictures of myself with the kids. Some candid, most not. That’s a result of me shamelessly yelling CAN YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF US?? LOOK AT HOW CUTE THIS IS! Moms, however, tend to be the shutterbugs of the family and cannot help themselves when they see some cute father-kid bonding going on. The result? Sweet sweet memories captured candidly by the moms who only want the same for themselves. (Take the picture, Dads!)

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