Diaper Drama

My children’s nudity was on full-display in last week’s blog post, but this week I need to get a little deeper and talk about the diaper situation with Olivia. The situation being that the girl refuses to keep it on.

Oh. It happens at night and during naps too. Because getting the kids to sleep wasn’t difficult enough before this started happening.

Is this a sign that we should start potty training? Maybe? Probably. Ugh. The past few days my TimeHop has been ablaze with images of us potty training AJR a year ago. Yep, I waited until he was almost three years old. Olivia isn’t even two yet. The potty training bootcamp system we used was a harrowing three days of bodily function lockdown that stressed me out beyond belief. And that was with him doing extremely well. While the allure of saving $40 a month on diapers is enough to make me consider it, there are a few factors that are forcing me to halt the breaks

  1. We are moving. That’s a major transition for anyone, let alone an emotionally unpredictable toddler. I fear any progress we might make would potentially go down the toilet with the move. Also, ain’t nobody got time for that with packing happening.
  2. She’s starting school in two weeks. It’s only two mornings for 2.5 (glorious) hours. But it’s yet another change. I’m also hopeful that maybe they will start the potty training process for me and declare it complete with little to no effort from me.
  3. Lastly and probably most importantly, Olivia is a wild horse and I have a feeling that it will take everything in my power to break her. She does not take kindly to gentle suggestions or easily do things that aren’t on her own terms. Everyone says girls are easier to train, but I’m not so sure given Olivia’s stubborn streak.

Short of using duct tape to secure her diapers, I’ve opted for a few methods. One is to rub her face in the pee spots she leaves on the carpet to shame her into never doing it again. Okay, that is a total joke. In reality, I passive aggressively mutter things like “oh how wonderful! I love cleaning up baby urine from the carpet fibers!” while she smugly watches me scrub away at her latest masterpiece. I’m also turning AJR into a world-class snitch, which in New Jersey I’m sure is a detriment to any job in “construction” he might hope to hold one day as Tough Guy Tony. Before they trot off to the basement to play, I pull him aside and ask him to tell me as soon as that Pamper Cruiser hits the floor and Olivia goes full frontal. This works about 50% of the time. So much for having my older child parent the younger one.

Olivia gives zero Fs. I have chased her around this house naked more times than I care to recount. You thought changing a dirty diaper was humbling? Try picking up a trail of turdlets that your daughter left behind after yet another diaper jailbreak.

Strategically placed toy while her diaper lays discarded to the left. Zero shame in her game.

I thought that this was something she would only do within the confines of our house but apparently all she needs is five seconds of privacy to completely strip down and set those sweet cheeks free. This past weekend we visited our friends and our relaxing conversation was interrupted as we were informed that Olivia was running around their house Winnie the Pooh-style – only a shirt, no pants.

I’ve attempted to put her on the potty a few times. Crickets in the toilet bowl, I get nada. Well, that’s not true. Every once in awhile her dry-heave squeezing yields a little baby fart and she giggles and says “I toot!” Hilarious. Truly.

Sigh. For now, I’ve made my disgruntled peace to re-diaper her 20 times per day. But potty training is coming and it may be our biggest battle yet.

Happy as a clam sans diaper.





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