Kids are great in so many fantastic ways. They’re also the worst in a whole host of others. The other day I thought I had crept upstairs to use the bathroom in a rare moment of privacy when I heard the thundering of elephants coming down the hall. And by elephants I mean my two toddlers coming to provide running commentary on my bodily emissions. My heart began to race as the sound of their footfalls got closer. My pants were around my ankles and I leaned forward in a half-squat and managed to slam and lock the bathroom door just as I saw their eager faces round the corner. I breathed a sigh of relief, which was short-lived because they obviously didn’t take this defeat very well. Oblivious to their strife, I whipped out my phone and piddled around on social media while I piddled. Then it hit me. No, not the piddle. The thought that having kids is sometimes eerily similar to being in a horror movie as evidenced by my harrowing experience…and so I bring you:
Reasons Why Having Kids is Like Being in a Horror Movie
Trying to shut a door before someone / something can get you
See above. How many scary movies have you watched where a shrieking someone is being chased by a crazed axe murderer or other worldly being. They run at an infuriatingly slow pace, constantly checking over their shoulder, falling on occasion, and when they finally reach the door they have difficulty locking and securing it. Fingers reach under the door trying to grab the victim as the victim comes to the horrifying realization they have locked themselves into a room from which there is no escape. Welcome to my life every day. Privacy is a thing of the past. Any attempts to shut the door is met with such indignant shrieks and protest that I’ve given up on even shutting the door. Even when my kids are sleeping I forget to shut the bathroom door, much to my husband’s chagrin as he walks past and does a double-take to find me on the can with zero shame in my game.
Being Scared to Walk Into a Room
I’ve seen many a horror movie where the heroine is about to stumble onto something that is going to make her immediately wish she hadn’t opened that door – a creepy shrine comprised of photos taken by a lurker from afar, dead bodies, occult objects, etc – that make her regret being so curious in the first place. That sense of dread and foreboding upon entering a room…I feel it roughly a dozen times per day. I am doing something important, like unloading the dishwasher or eating half a granola bar that Olivia discarded because all she really wanted to do was try to open the wrapper herself, when I hear the giggles of little children dissolve into silence. That’s when I know I am not going to like what a see. Trepidation in my step, cold sweat on my brow, I swing open the door to AJR’s bedroom to find fish food strewn about the floor while a diaper-less Olivia yells “fishy fishy fishy” and AJR says “oh no, Mommy. What a mess she made!” Your children entertaining themselves is a beautiful thing…it’s also one of the most terrifying when they are not in your line of vision. Always be sure to carefully assess the value of a few moments peace with whatever mess you are inevitably going to have to clean up.
Creepy Things Little Kids Say
Little kids + active imaginations + episodes of Paw Patrol that talk about ghosts = recipe for scary crap to happen. An entire movie was built around a kid that had the ability to see ghosts. You know who that movie scared the most? PARENTS.
My husband was traveling for work and one night my son called me in at 2am to ask me about the man in his room. No. Just no. I’m going to need you to stop right there Haley Joel Osment Jr. and go back to sleep and never ever do this again. Time to go back to sleep but not before I check Amazon to see if I can order some sage on Prime. If not, we’re moving.
We are not in imaginary friend territory yet and I hope to God we never are because I can only imagine how much that’s going to up the creeptastic ante in our house.
Did you suddenly step into the Exorcist or The Exorcism of Emily Rose ? Nope, just your toddler having a particularly epic tantrum over the fact that you gave them a blue straw instead of a yellow one for their Danimals Smoothie. Rosé is the only holy water you’ll need to get through one of these.
Everything is inherently scarier at 3am. This is why no scary movie in its right mind would ever happen at 3pm. That’s just when happy hour is beginning! Nothing is scary about half price drinks and apps! Fast forward to 12 hours later and that’s when the most tranquil sounds get sinister. Like the sounds of my sweet sleeping angels. Nothing chills my blood faster than when I think my kids are asleep and hearing them cry out in their sleep. Particularly if I’m already in a dead sleep myself. Not only is the jolt of a banshee screeching enough to get my heart pounding but there’s the immediate dread that this could turn into a long night. I work too damn hard to get them down to bed that any sort of rustling or moaning broadcasting from the baby monitor feels me with fear.
Also, if you happen to have a video monitor and your kid knows where the camera is, prepare to crap your pants in fear when you see soulless, black eyes staring back at you. I didn’t have a picture of my kids doing this to include in the post so I started to Google. Let’s just say that was a bad idea right before bed and thankfully I kept myself from clicking on the “Top 10 Scariest Baby Monitor Images Ever”. I have enough reasons why I’m not getting enough rest without adding to it.