Sh*t My Daughter Does

My fingers fly across the keyboard at a maniac pace while I chug scorching hot coffee in an attempt to adequately refuel before the she-kraken awakens from her nap and demands EVERYTHING yet wants NOTHING.

We are the midst of dealing with teething, one nap transition, and general toddler attitude that’s collided to create the perfect blue-eyed gremlin. Tearily, I pour over pictures of her from a year ago when she wasn’t sleeping at all, yet remained so sweetly content and smiley. And immobile. Flash forward to yesterday when I had the sheer audacity to unwrap a granola bar before handing it to her. My obvious and unforgivable mistake resulted in a full facedown hysterical meltdown with banshee-like shrieks that caused me to drop the granola bar and run away before she made eye contact and liquified me with her gaze as if she’s some toddler Medusa.

I am exhausted. At 16 months Olivia is either clinging to me an anxious baby koala or running off silently to cause some sort of mischief as retaliation for daring to set her down in the first place.

Olivia's basic goal every day. Must feel good to hit your goals daily.

Olivia’s basic goal every day. Must feel good to hit your goals daily.

An old college friend visited this weekend and told me her husband said I probably embellish on the blog a bit for the sake of humor. Totally normal assumption, especially for a guy that doesn’t have kids and hasn’t yet opened the pandora’s box of horrors that a pint-size version of yourself holds. However, after spending literally 26 hours with my kids, my friend looked at me with concerned eyes and said that she could report back to her husband, with confidence, that I am not exaggerating one bit. Which is a relief to have my journalistic credibility restored, but also very very sad for my personal well-being.

That being said, here is an unembellished list of shit my daughter has done in the past two weeks:

  • I asked Olivia for a kiss and literally this is what happened to my face:

“I give the kisses! You don’t ask for them!”

  • She’s developed a penchant for throwing things into the toilet: toys, pacifiers, toothbrushes, etc. Time to hit up Amazon for a toilet lock.

Zero remorse. Simply a strong point into the toilet to indicate that I am the peasant that has to dig it out and sanitize it.

  • Recurring Bellagio Fountain reenactments courtesy of any food pouch I give her
"Bitch, you clean. I'll go f something else up today."

“Bitch, you clean. I’ll go f something else while you do that, thanks.”

  • Dumps out the contents of ANYTHING she gets her hands on. Including this bag of pretzel Goldfish I stupidly gave her in an attempt to stop the nonstop screams during the 5 minute drive to pick up her brother from school
It's hard to be angry when she's this cute, but believe me, you find a way

It’s hard to be angry when she’s this cute, but believe me, you find a way

  • Wails of pain and torture in the Target checkout line when she couldn’t take off her boots and socks. Finally, once everything had been flung to the ground as I violently shoved my credit card into the chip reader, she was at ease and went back to being a sane person once again. Note: it was 25 degrees that day. After making my purchase, I then had to put everything back on again while she sweetly cooperated fought against me and then remove it once I have her strapped in the car. Otherwise I will hear nothing but screaming on the way home since I dared dress her appropriately for the weather
Freedom never tasted so sweet!

Freedom never tasted so sweet!

  • Daredevil antics such as these ON THE REGULAR . Enough to cause your heart to leap to your throat, but not so scary that I can’t run and get my phone to take a picture.

crazy2 crazy3 crazy

  • Squatting and peeing on the floor like an animal after her bath. In multiple spots. Then tracking urine throughout the hallway because she has to run through it.
  • Wanting to be held constantly, then suddenly shifting gears and deciding that dive bombing is the best way to free herself from my arms
To my credit, I haven't dropped her once.

To my credit, I haven’t dropped her once.

  • Making me have to loudly announce to a group of 20 virtual strangers “Who’s cup is this? My daughter drank out of it and you might want to wipe it off since she has a cold. I’m sorry.” after another enjoyable music class
  • Emptying out entire cabinets of food, screaming until I open whatever it is that she wanted, and then taking one bite and discarding the rest
I mean, don't we all wish we could have this sort of abandon when it comes to food?

I mean, don’t we all wish we could have this sort of abandon when it comes to food?

  • Intentionally tipping her milk cup upside down until she ends up sitting in a puddle of Whole Milk and then running away quickly when I discover her lactose indiscretion

Are you exhausted yet? Please, let me know your tales of toddler craziness because I need to know that I’m not alone.

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