Poetic injustice: The Nap Battle

In a prior post I went on and on per usual about how I am NOT GETTING ANY SLEEP. Nights have gotten much better and while I’m still up to see the sunrise 6 out of 7 mornings during the week, naps have become the absolute bane of my existence.

I get that I’m pretty awesome and it’s no wonder that my children would want to spend every waking moment of their entire lives dangling from various body parts of mine, but enough already. Seriously.

The past week has been particularly brutal as the two of them have joined forces to drive me absolutely nuts. This is how I picture their conversations going:

3 year old: “Alright, it’s Monday. I slept in until 6:30am today so I’m feeling pretty good about not napping this afternoon. You sleep, and I’ll make sure that mom walks up and down the stairs at least 12 times before she gives up entirely and throws the iPad at me.”

15 month old: “Perfect. Then tomorrow and the day after I’ll give the illusion that I’m going to sleep by laying perfectly still and quiet for 15 minutes but as soon as I know she’s settled to try and nap herself because I was up at 5:15am, I will spring up from my crib and hurl my pacifiers across the room and then sob hysterically when they’re no longer in my hands.”

*Children high five one another*

The struggle is real. The struggle to keep my sanity that is.

The struggle is real. The struggle to keep my sanity that is.

I’m back with yet another poem  as I channel my frustration and slap happiness at lack of restorative sleep. Enjoy.

Dear Children...

Dear Children…

Sleep sleep oh how I’d like to meet

But my kids refuse, so angrily I tweet

 

I bribe, I beg, I yell, I scream

And yet my kids refuse to dream

 

I need to pee, I need some water, I need a tuck

Phew he’s down. No wait, he’s up.  F***

 

Baby stands, baby wails

Mommy tries to no avail 

 

The only one I want to keep

is the fat little dachshund fast asleep

 

At the top of the stairs with monitor on low

Wishing it were 6pm to crack the merlot

 

This is my prison, this is my life

My sweet little children you cause me much strife

 

Ok, no naps to be had

I’m past the point of being mad

 

Pile into the car, Laurie Berkner bumping

While mommy cruises to a drive thru Dunkin

 

Sweet caffeine I swiftly feel

While I plead with Jesus to “take the wheel”

 

Back at home, hours to kill

Contemplating handing out a sleeping pill

 

Dinnertime, give a bath, books we read

Drift to sleep quickly, mommy doth plead

 

I have to pee, I promise this is it

Alright kid, mommy is going to lose her shit

 

We hear the door, Daddy’s home

To the basement I run with  iPhone

 

Far away I can’t hear their cries

As Daddy struggles, Daddy Tries

 

Finally, the basement door swings wide

They’re asleep, no need to hide

 

Tears of relief stream down my face 

As I drink wine at a rapid pace

 

Finally! It’s here! There’s time for us 

No more singing “wheels on the bus”

 

Let’s hurry up before WE fall asleep

And watch one more episode of Sneaky Pete

This is actually a fairly calm face for me.

This is actually a fairly calm face for me.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Poetic injustice: The Nap Battle

  1. Nap battles suck!!! With two of them teaming against you must be horrible, not to mention stressful and exhausting! I only have one to fight me! And she fought, she would rarely nap at all, I’d get 20 mins if I was lucky! Then she suddenly started 2 hour naps – hurrah! That was just lulling me into a false sense of security. After a month tops of long naps, she gave them up completely. She’s 2.5 and hasn’t napped in well over 6 months. Gah!

    Like

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