A Mom’s Christmas List

Maybe you’ve heard the Christmas song “My Grown Up Christmas List” where X musician sings about wanting to end wars, feed hungry kids, yada yada yada. Well, this ain’t that type of list. Mommy has been very good like ok this year and there are a few things I want. You know, if money or reality weren’t an object. So here it is, a list of everything I want that isn’t available on Amazon Prime…

  • A toddler-grade tranquilizer gun with a lifetime supply of tranquilizer darts
  • For Target to close down for me and me alone while I cruise the aisles on a rascal scooter holding a glass of wine. Oh, and for Target to pick up the tab on whatever I buy. Thanks.
  • An unlimited subscription to The Rosé Zone  because “Sometimes bitches be crazy but not all the time. Sometimes bitches just be standing around and thinking. And momma ain’t about that.” 

xmas4

xmaslist

That’s wine. Coming directly out of her fridge. She turned water into wine. Modern day Jesus.

  • A boob job. Or really just to have my pre-kid boobs back.
  • For AJR to JUST EAT THE F’ING FOOD
  • In-home session with Cesar Milan to fix the rude asshole that poses as our family dog
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Everyone: Oh I love pictures of Ruby I can’t wait to meet her! Everyone after meeting Ruby: (feelings of resentment mixed with disappointment)

  • 24 hours alone in my own perfectly clean house with a full DVR
  • The following people to become part of my “staff”:
    • a sleep consultant
    • in-home chef
    • a house cleaner
  • For my kids to sleep until sunrise more than once
  • Sound-proofing for all of the bedrooms
  • For all of the Ryan’s Toy Review, Surprise Egg, and creepy adults playing with children’s toys videos to disappear off of YouTube Kids forever
  • All of the food I pin to Pinterest to magically appear on my kitchen table

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  • To possess Zack Morris’ ability to pause time by saying “timeout” when the kids are about to meltdown and I really just need a moment
  • For my coffee to always stay at the perfect temperature regardless of how long I neglect it

I mean, is it really too much to ask? I brought LIFE into this world. This is the least I deserve.

What is on everyone else’s list this year?

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!

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4 thoughts on “A Mom’s Christmas List

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