When you become a parent you automatically develop an entire new skill set through baptism by fire that no parenting class could ever teach you. As a stay at home mom for the past 11 months, I’ve been forced to expand that current skill set in order to stay alive. It’s been a grueling, 24/7 professional development course from which there are no breaks and relatively little snacks unless the instructors happen to throw me a few bones or just not eat what I put on their plate forcing me to clean it for them. With my mouth.
My LinkedIn profile has been sorely neglected (as has cleaning the house and general personal hygiene) so I figured it was time to consider updating it to reflect my new and improved skills. With a resume like this, I have no doubt that I would be hired on the spot by any employer in any field. That, or pitied and given a glass of wine and a long hug.
Chief Home Officer – October 2015 to the Present
Manage and withstand the chaos of keeping two tiny humans and a spirited dachshund alive all with clinging to the last shreds of your sanity.
- Employee of the Month for 11 straight months
- Hit and exceeded quarterly wine consumption goals for 3 consecutive quarters
- Gave several compelling and rich TED Talks on the following subjects:
- Not pushing our friends
- Sharing toys
- Being gentle with the dog
- Laying down and going to sleep or I swear I will take everything away that gives you joy
- Tolerance for long hours and able to withstand working nights and weekends, although bitchiness may begin to surface later in the day or upon being woken up while it’s still dark out
- Flawless execution of 82 Michelin Star-worthy grilled cheeses (of which only 4 were consumed under extreme duress)
- Subject matter expert in identifying and naming all of the Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends trains, construction vehicles, and members of the Paw Patrol
- Knows the exact number of minutes/seconds it takes to microwave to perfection the following:
- French toast sticks
- Mac n’ cheese cups
- Frozen vegetables
- Creative problem solver with limited resources
- Decipher exactly what episode of Mickey Mouse or Paw Patrol client wants to watch with only a two word description and lots of frantic screaming and yelling
- Easily constructs elaborate wooden train tracks upon command for a hard-to-please client
- Great motivator that utilizes creative tactics (bribes, threats, timeouts, yelling, pleading,crying) to encourage optimal results
- Unparalleled multi-tasking ability such as simultaneously breastfeeding an infant, petting a dog, and making lunch for a wailing toddler
- Monotony is a non-issue as current position requires one to perform the same tasks day in and day out with as much enthusiasm as the client insists upon
- Deftly maneuver a double stroller with one hand uphill while doling out snacks/water with the other as clients protest loudly at being restrained
- Excels in high-stakes negotiations with irrational people that lack the desire and/or capacity to see reason and logic
- Knack for using consultative sales techniques to determine what the client wants when the client themselves doesn’t know what they want
- Freakish ability to hold a squirming infant, an armload of crap, and use foot to open a door
- Change diapers with the seamless speed of a well-oiled pit crew as one client hangs on like a baby koala, another screams like she’s being waterboarded, and the dog is looks longingly asking to be pet while somehow Sarah McLachlan is playing in the background
- Possesses a wide range of comedic voices, noises, as well as a pitchy tone used for singing the same songs over and over while clients scream in the car 2 minutes after you pull out of the driveway
- Can prioritize from a list of never-ending tasks to determine what is most important (i.e.: the kids are both napping…sleep or food or shower?)
- Can take and keep track of (usually) two small children out in public. Anywhere. Solo.