Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Snacks

Hello. My name is Lynn and my kid is the brute of his play group. I won’t say bully because he’s two and that’s just plain silly. It’s not malicious and it’s not pre-meditated, but he is a tall, lean pushing machine. And it’s frustrating for me because he totally has a list of priors. What caused me to almost lose it today in particular? At an outing with my mom’s group he managed to shove not one, but FOUR out of seven kids like he was trying to complete a sadistic punchcard to collect a prize. He was equal opportunity shoving and no one was off limits.

It wasn’t for lack of me pulling him aside to attempt to calmly explain why we don’t shove our friends. Because I did. Every. Single. Bleeping. Time. The 3rd time I put my foot down and said we were leaving if he did it again. Would you be surprised if I said he did it again? Yeah, me neither. True to my word, I strapped the baby back in the stroller, scooped him up amidst his teary protests and hightailed it out of there tossing back apologies through gritted teeth. Mommy don’t play, but man, she needs to threaten to take away things that don’t affect her too. Like her very important adult conversation time.

The next Lenny from "Of Mice and Men"? Don't stick around to find out, goat.

The next Lenny from “Of Mice and Men”? Don’t stick around to find out, goat.

Like I said, this isn’t the first time its happened. And let me tell you something, it SUCKS being the mom of THAT kid. I came home in a silent, stewing rage and immediately:

  1. Set up a victim relief fund for those traumatized by my toddler. Proceeds will go towards buying the moms wine and their children fruit snacks and band-aids. To donate, text “END TDLR H8” to my phone number
  2. Googled “why is my toddler being such a d-bag and pushing other kids?’
  3. Dramatically texted my husband to say I’m probably getting thrown out of mom group

Okay, only one of those things happened (#3 in case you were curious). Although I was very tempted to do #2 if only to see what the search results turned up. I did actually do some (very little) research and looked on Amazon for a book that explains to your kid that if he keeps being a major doucher and pushing his friends, he’s not going to have any left. #themoreyouknow

Search and you shall find. Ordering ASAP. Mostly because it feels weird to let more than a few days go by without a package from Amazon.

Search and you shall find. Ordering ASAP. Mostly because it feels weird to let more than a few days go by without a package from Amazon.

Turns out this is a pretty common issue with two-year olds (phew), which I figured but it’s reassuring nonetheless to hear it. One article even said “Your child is doing exactly what is normal for her age group. AND it means she has a strong personality that is determined not to be overlooked.”

Well, no shit my kid has a strong personality. I receive daily reminders of that. This is just something people say to make parents of pushers feel better. Sort of like when you tell the bride with the beautiful outdoor ceremony planned that the torrential downpour on her wedding day is good luck.

It only got better as I continued to a section helped to diagnose the reason behind the pushing:

“Has a new sibling appeared in the family? We often choose a two year gap to have another baby, but that is the worst time developmentally for a young child to accept a brother or sister.”

Awesome. Not only is my kid acting like Macaulay Culkin from “The Good Son” but apparently it’s my fault for getting knocked up at a time that wasn’t remotely convenient for him emotionally.

The way I see it, I only have two options:

  1. Get rid of Olivia until AJR is of developmental age to accept her
  2. Ride out this lovely phase and chalk it up to another delightful part of raising a toddler

Since I’m sort of attached to the baby I suppose I’ll have to find a way to deal with it. But in the meantime, tell your kids to keep their heads on a swivel when they’re around him. Especially when there are trains to be played with.

PS: Very thankful for a group of understanding friends that haven’t gotten together tribal council style to vote me out of the mom group. Yet.

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3 thoughts on “Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Snacks

  1. Pingback: So I’m Raising an Axe Murderer | The Almost Real Housewife

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